Downloading the Flux

April 24, 2001|

Downloading the Flux

I was totally expecting the worst coming into Tuesday. So was my doctor. So were my parents. I have all of the symptoms of having it come back. To me it is just inconcievable that the scans came out so good. I can’t understand it. I tried for three days to figure out what happened, and I didn’t come up with any answers. True, we need to wait and see in a few more weeks, but I have a feeling the answer will come out the same.

I can tell you what I thought occurred. As I received the news from Dr. Moskowitz about how things are healing, but we still have some unknowns, all I could think was that we are praying away this disease. It was the first thing that popped in my mind. “We prayed it away, it came back and we prayed it away…” That’s the only explanation I have. Could it be a miracle? That’s for time to tell and for yourself to ask. All I know is that you all stepped up your prayers, stepped up on the prayer calendar, stepped up your fasting, etc- and look what happened. It is hard for me to believe that this is a corollary relationship. There has to be causation relationship here.

Those were by far the two hardest weeks of my life, especially when the node on my neck appeared. The emotional toll of contemplating how to live the remaining years of your own life is beyond words. I am only thankful that for now that is no longer a concern of mine. So please keep up your prayers. Ain’t much that medical science can do now. It’s up to us.

“Situation In Flux”

April 17, 2001|

“Situation In Flux”

Here’s the latest news from today’s appointment (I’ll go into analysis later on in the week): – Overall, everything is still up in the air. We don’t know what is going on, truthfully, so we have to wait and see what materializes.

– Lymph node on neck didn’t show up on scans (very good thing). It may be Hodgkin’s, but we are not sure. For now we don’t know what it is.

– MRI showed that disease on spine is improving greatly (good thing).

– CT Scan showed disease in the lungs is improved (very good thing).

– CT Scan showed something (he didn’t know what it was) on the bottom of my right lung. Some kind of inflammation, maybe. It is under observation.

– CT Scan showed great improvement on bottom of the spine (good thing), which was the major problem child. There still is at least scar tissue there and some other damage which is probably causing nerve compression which is causing my leg pain (hence my gimp). It may sometime require surgery to fix those verterbrae, but once again, we have to wait and see.

– In a month I am going in to receive a PET Scan, which is the newest and most sensitive scan. That scan will be really important as to what happens next.

What this all means…

I was expecting the worst. I mean the absolute worst. This report, even though not the greatest of reports, was the best news I could have heard.When Dr. Moskowitz was telling about the improvement, I could only help but think of the past three weeks and the tremendous outpouring of prayer. Keep it up! It’s my only hope. Like I said, I will write more later in the week. Thanks again. The adventure is only beginning…

Surviving the Wake-a-Thon

April 11, 2001|

Surviving the Wake-a-Thon

The second benefit was a huge success. Over 150 students, 20 teachers (and their kids) and parents showed up to stay over night at Chaney High School, raising money for myself and for other charities. I had a great time. It was humbling too. I tried to get in a game of basketball. I shot two straight airballs as I practiced. I couldn’t believe how quickly I had lost my strength. I marveled at how truly weak I had become. But the rest of the night was great. I spontaneously rapped in the talent show, doing an old dc Talk number. I got a chance to talk to some students. And by the time 3am rolled around, I was toast, so I made my way home. Thank you to all the students, faculty, parents and the administration for the Wake-a-Thon. I look forward to doing it next year, and staying all night.

The Week

I don’t think I have had a more difficult week in my entire life. I know I haven’t. I have never been on such a roller coaster ride. The emotions, the feelings, the thoughts are incredibly overwhelming. “What will happen next? What happens after that?” I keep asking myself. It has been a torturous week. Something that I vowed would never consumer me, something that I have never had a problem with has crept in- worries. I haven’t worried at all during my year or so of battling. I have always thought that the next treatment, the next step would work and I would be cured. But along the way my optimism gave way to realism, more recently when a lymph node on the right side of my neck swelled up over the weekend. This thing, it’s probably here to stay.

From Here

So today, yes, I have my Gallium Scan and my CT Scan. I hope for the best, I pray for a miracle, but I know that by definition miracles are rare, unusual and the supernatural warping of nature. They are by definition scarce. That does not mean I stop praying for them or do not believe God can do it. Quite the contrary, my believe in them is heightened. But rather, I go into this weekend, with choices. Choices about how I will spend the rest of my days fighting this disease. Choices about my attitude, choices about my beliefs, choices about my actions. Will I lose heart? Will I give up? Will I just let go? No longer are my choices about silly things, like what clothes to buy, where to eat dinner or where to vacation. The hardest choices of life are made right now. Living with cancerĂ–or dying with cancer. It is my choice.

I think there is no better time than to have all of this during this Easter season. I just finished watching the “Jesus” mini-series on CBS. I highly recommend it. Watching the Gospel story is so much different than reading it. Watching the last hour was incredibly gruesome and difficult, but it made me realize something. Whatever I am going through right now- the pain I feel, the emotional roller coaster, the despair, the tears, the unknown future- Someone else has too, and it was a thousand times worse. And He did it for me. The least I could do is do the same for Him. And someday, I will be be healed too.


April 4, 2001|


I will be home on Friday night, April 6th, for my second benefit. The students of Chaney High School are having a wake-a-thon to raise money for some of my extra expenses (travel, perscriptions, a new 2001 Yellow Nissan X-Terra, etc.) The students will be locked in the school starting around 8pm with faculty and parents, and will not be able to leave until 8am the next morning. There will be a dance, a talent show, and much more. Heck, if these kids can do this, so can I, so I will be with them along the entire way. I will be returning to New York City on Sunday afternoon. If you want to reach me, e-mail me at, or call my cell phone. Thanks to all those participating and the rest of you who are praying. Check out the prayer calendar when you get a chance. It’s amazing!

Despite some new pains in my leg and my right side, I am very encouraged. My down days are significantly being toppled by up days. No matter what happens, I am going to be taken care of. I have learned that lesson already. Sometimes I just need reminded of it. On top of that, I realized that there is nothing to fear, nothing to worry about. I need never worry, I know the ending to this chapter in the story of my life. It’s already been written. Let’s go and fulfill it now đŸ™‚

UPDATE: After attending a healing prayer service at my church ( on Monday, it came to me that for us to seeanything happen, we need a lot more prayer. The service helped tremendously, spiritually, emotionally and physically. But more isneeded. Therefore, we are starting the prayer calendar up again for the next three weeks! Please sign up, there is no limit to how manycan be on a day or how many days you want to sign up. This is crunchtime! BELIEVE! Let’s show science what’s up!