April 11, 2001|

Surviving the Wake-a-Thon

The second benefit was a huge success. Over 150 students, 20 teachers (and their kids) and parents showed up to stay over night at Chaney High School, raising money for myself and for other charities. I had a great time. It was humbling too. I tried to get in a game of basketball. I shot two straight airballs as I practiced. I couldn’t believe how quickly I had lost my strength. I marveled at how truly weak I had become. But the rest of the night was great. I spontaneously rapped in the talent show, doing an old dc Talk number. I got a chance to talk to some students. And by the time 3am rolled around, I was toast, so I made my way home. Thank you to all the students, faculty, parents and the administration for the Wake-a-Thon. I look forward to doing it next year, and staying all night.

The Week

I don’t think I have had a more difficult week in my entire life. I know I haven’t. I have never been on such a roller coaster ride. The emotions, the feelings, the thoughts are incredibly overwhelming. “What will happen next? What happens after that?” I keep asking myself. It has been a torturous week. Something that I vowed would never consumer me, something that I have never had a problem with has crept in- worries. I haven’t worried at all during my year or so of battling. I have always thought that the next treatment, the next step would work and I would be cured. But along the way my optimism gave way to realism, more recently when a lymph node on the right side of my neck swelled up over the weekend. This thing, it’s probably here to stay.

From Here

So today, yes, I have my Gallium Scan and my CT Scan. I hope for the best, I pray for a miracle, but I know that by definition miracles are rare, unusual and the supernatural warping of nature. They are by definition scarce. That does not mean I stop praying for them or do not believe God can do it. Quite the contrary, my believe in them is heightened. But rather, I go into this weekend, with choices. Choices about how I will spend the rest of my days fighting this disease. Choices about my attitude, choices about my beliefs, choices about my actions. Will I lose heart? Will I give up? Will I just let go? No longer are my choices about silly things, like what clothes to buy, where to eat dinner or where to vacation. The hardest choices of life are made right now. Living with cancerÖor dying with cancer. It is my choice.

I think there is no better time than to have all of this during this Easter season. I just finished watching the “Jesus” mini-series on CBS. I highly recommend it. Watching the Gospel story is so much different than reading it. Watching the last hour was incredibly gruesome and difficult, but it made me realize something. Whatever I am going through right now- the pain I feel, the emotional roller coaster, the despair, the tears, the unknown future- Someone else has too, and it was a thousand times worse. And He did it for me. The least I could do is do the same for Him. And someday, I will be be healed too.