Keep Your Shirt On! Wham!

May 14, 2002|

Keep Your Shirt On! Wham!

OK, I was being a little secretive. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to swing it. I mean Dr. Perales is one heck of a negotiator. My usual strategies didn’t work with him. I had to dig deep into my can of bull-crap. It was a WIN-win in the end. By the conclusion of our negotiation I had weaseled my way to going home to Ohio for the weekend.

The provision was that I had to drive home with youngest brother Billy. And I would have to have Billy live with me for the next few weeks at the Ronald McDonald House. I could live with that. He’s a twig and I could bully him around. Alright.

Wednesday afternoon we packed up and hopped in the car. The trip started with the usual shenanigans from Billy. ìAaaaahhhhh! Aaaaahhhhh! I’m eathing a salth packet! Aaaaahhhh!” See what happens when you drive and munch on fries out of the bag? Then hearing Billy sing along with Diana Krall and Elvis Costello, torturous, my friend, torturous. Then I bought a really watery slurpie. I didn’t want it, so I was hoping Billy would hold on to it until we made it to a rest stop. What did he do? He chucked it out the door! Litterbug! I have the immune system of a litterbug!

Our time in Youngstown was short. I had a lot of shopping and organizing to do. It’s getting hot in the City so I needed to bring back my summer gear. I apologize if I didn’t see you. It was a short trip. July, I’ll be back in July.

Anyway, the trip back was relatively calm. Thankfully my Spidey-sense kicked in and averted certain disaster. You see three years ago Billy and medium brother Frank were on a road trip to a Transformers (toy) Convention. Billy accidentally spilled his beverage all over his shirt while driving. Decisively he took the shirt off and continued to drive. Happening upon something refreshing, he drove the rest of the way to Fort Wayne with his shirt off. It was summertime, maybe it was acceptable. But now it has gotten absurd. Whenever he drives for long distances he takes his shirt off. The weather outside has no bearing. Have you seen Billy? With his shirt off? He is Axl Rose anorexic skinny. It is a sight to see Billy, shirtless, wearing his seatbelt driving. What kind of sight? I do not know. But it is a sight.

He knows I will punch him into oblivion if he takes his shirt off while driving. I don’t want to see no naked boy wearing a seat belt next to me. Gross. What would a state trooper say? What would we say to a state trooper? Sunday it was freezing and pouring rain.

So I started to fall asleep when my Spidey-sense alerted me to a disturbance in the car environment. I glanced over to see Billy trying to stealthily wean his way out of his shirt. I punched him to oblivion. He kept his shirt on.

The lesson in all of this? This is the guy I am getting my immune system from. This is the guy whose cells are going to save my life. Scary. The results are starting to show. I have hair on my knees now. I never had hair on my knees! Billy is already starting to take over starting with his overabundance of leg hair. Eeeeekk! If I start eating salt packets, littering along the highway and taking my shirt off while driving, it actually maybe a good thing though. Scary. I give thanks to Billy, heck I may live because of him…but I’ll still punch him into oblivion. Keep that shirt on. Road trips.

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