December 15, 2001|
There’s Something About NYC
Maybe the doctor at the Cleveland Clinic was watching TV on Thursday night, saw the New York City Tourists commericals, and decided that I was what NYC needed- another body spending money there. Maybe. Or maybe he was making his opinion based on the medical data. Regardless, he (and I) recommended that I go back to Sloan Kettering to get my Bone Marrow Transplant. Why? First, he couldn’t get us into Cleveland Clinic fast enough. It would have taken a month to get all of the paperwork, tests, scans, everything before they would let me in. Second (this is my choice), he wanted to do a full transplant, while at MSKCC they wanted to do a mini-transplant.
Timing
The timing issue is important, as I need to do something- fast. Things are getting worse and worse everywhere. Leg, lungs, rib, neck, underarm, groin- the cancer is kicking art’s butt. This week I am going to do some Rituxin and Zivilin (brand new drug), which may put stuff at bay, but no gaurantees. The faster we can do this transplant, the better. Right now I may be in NYC for New Year’s. We gotta move.
Treatment
The treatment issue is important too. Technically, I have already done a full BMT, only having given my own bone marrow, last year. To do it again would suck majorly (not pulling any punches here). But at Sloan (and around the country) there is a new belief that the donor’s cells will do the job of the chemotherapy, and therefore why not let them do it. So the mini isn’t as bad- I won’t be as sick. There still are many serious complications, but it won’t be as bad on Art. And, the mini is brand new. Like I will be in the top 25 of people doing this in NYC. Like I have said before, no one gets this far except Art. I may be the first mini Hodgkin’s patient. Ridiculous, right? Everyone gets cured at first crack, not me. Need to be different.
Depression and the Tootsie Pop
One thing that I never ever want to portray on this site is that I am the model and perfect example of suffering. Never ever. I sometimes get that from people, and I don’t ever want to confirm that. I am just like everyone else. I have good days. I have bad days. Many of them lately, which is what I want to talk about.
I don’t handle them well. I mope. I sleep a lot. I watch TV and read the newspaper. That’s it. Really. I don’t read my Bible, I don’t try to get myself up to do stuff or call people, I don’t particularly do anything. I just think of myself. My poor self. Shingles, darn shingles. Can’t go outside. Stupid leg. Can’t walk around. Groin. Ugh, definitely can’t walk around. And my dreams of going to grad school next fall- down the tubes. And helping with the foundation, can’t get out to help with that- ugh. Why me?
Today, though, after three weeks of such behavior I got sick of it and really pondered it. Thinking of depression and down times is like a Tootsie Pop. It is so hard on the outside, that you have to work it, taking many licks and many small bites before you get the good stuff inside. That’s what I have been doing most of today (and have done most of this year). I don’t think I have fully gotten to the middle, but I am getting there. Here are some thoughts, really brief thoughts. You can correct me as such.
Everyone gets depressed. Don’t let anyone fool you. I don’t care how good of a do-gooder they are, they get depressed. And it is OK to be depressed. It’s natural. What’s the killer is staying on it. It will literally kill you if give it any legs of its own in your life. It will corrupt your relationships, your work, your personality. It is a killer.
Really, what depression is to me is simply a time when you are stuck on yourself. What are the questions we ask ourselves when we are depressed? Why ME? It is isn’t fair? (To who?) To ME. Why did this have to happen? (To who?) To ME. The center of the universe is Art and everything that happens goes against him.
What gets us out of depression is recentering the universe. Moving it to God and others. Getting away from self. It’s easier said then done. But calling others, serving others, going out with others – getting in other peoples’ worlds. From there, remembering God, remembering who is in control. All can be turned to good, it’s our choice. But we have to move from the self-universe to the others-universe.
I know this is not quite the good explanation or understanding of this deep and difficult topic, but I felt it necessary to remind myself and others, during this Holiday season, that we can’t get self-centered. It’s not about us. It’s about others. It’s about Him. Especially this Holiday season.
So for you New Yorkers, we have three months to play. Let’s roll.